Bearing in mind, this was the first weekend in five weeks that I’ve left the comfort of my home and family, I was shitting myself. The mere thought of socialising flipped my heart into a pounding overdrive. But the desire to get out of my house and see those incredible works of art was enough to get me there. I was going to Auckland to visit friends and explore the ‘The Body Laid Bare: Masterpieces from Tate’ exhibition at the Auckland Art Gallery.
Again amongst people whom I regard as some of my best friends, I found myself, yet again, under my own scrutiny. This seems a pathetic example but nevertheless the anxious mind always manages to turn something tiny into something to make you more than flustered… Anyway, surely everyone knows the game of ‘shotgun’ where the person who called shotgun first gets the front passenger seat of the car shunning the other passengers to the rear. I found myself not bothering to call shotgun as I felt as though I wasn’t worthy of the front passenger seat – generally the most desired position in the car. When I did call it, sitting in that golden passenger throne, I felt as though someone else should be in the front, not me. I have always felt this way when winning a game of ‘shotgun’. I’m a backseat bandit kind of gal, I always have been. I mean I sort of feel it’s where I belong. But only I have made myself feel that way.
This calls to mind a similar situation where I fair and square won the best room in my university flat, and felt like I didn’t deserve it. I felt guilty the entire year for having that room because, in my mind, everyone in the flat was better than me.
I was thinking about this as I filled out my positive affirmation in my gratitude journal and I was like, “what the heck, I am just as deserving as anyone else to have the front seat. And I won that flat room fair and square”. I mean, within reason, I am and we all are, just as deserving as anyone else to have anything really. And then I found this and I was like, “damn right!”
You are just as deserving of extraordinary happiness, health, wealth and success as any other person on this planet.
I am a good person, so what makes me any different from all the other good people out there who deserve the front seat or the best room in life?
Heck yeah I am worthy…. Well, I’m working on feeling that way anyway.